“I wish you were going to be there, because you are the most welcoming person I know.”
I love to make other people happy but didn’t want to grant this wish.
To be in heaven first, to welcome her there?
One small part of me said yes, the part that sees things from the other’s perspective, but the evaluating part of me that kicked in to see if I could make the other’s wish happen started counting the cost. Be in heaven first, when she’s dying of cancer. Let’s see, that would be a plane crash or a car accident. Not being here for my husband and my dearest only child. No can do. Please God.
I am flying out Thursday night.
God willing I will be with her on Friday.
I will join Mary, we will hold hands and pray, like we did 12 years ago for me to conceive.
We will sing hymns.
We will remember gratefully how God used her in our lives.
We will tell her this, and we will thank God together.
We will try to usher her into heaven joyfully.
We will sigh at the release of pain to come,
Thankful that she has held on long enough.
Every moment I will be in two worlds.
Not here and heaven but with her and with my family here.
I will try not to worry that I would not return.
I will try not to worry that they won’t sleep without me.
I will try not to worry that they won’t miss me!
I will do my best to love
People around me
Friends near and far.
In the meantime, I have today.
This weekend we had a lot of fun with long time family friends. What a delight to my soul, my heart. How kind of God to pour into me his love and sustaining goodness. To hold the future for me, planned and taken care of, and give me this moment to cherish.
Right now as I type Ravinia is practicing piano, puppy at her side. One of the songs she is learning is Come Thou Long Expected Jesus.
I can count Blessings.
I can look for God’s hand at work.
At night I read Colossians to Ravinia, and 3:1-4 hit me anew: Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
On October 8, Tsh posted this wonderful meditation on leaning in to God’s rollercoaster. I didn’t have time to write in then, but am doing so now.
This morning I read chapter 3 of The Good and Beautiful God for a small group I am co-leading at Westmont, and the chapter included a beautiful prayer that I will take with me.
Finally, I read Ann’s post, and I know.
“Let something steal your joy — and you let something steal your strength.”
The Joy of the Lord, it is my strength,
because it takes strength to grieve,
(blessed are those who mourn)
and it takes strength to believe
and only the great of heart,
those whose hearts swell with his love
when they look to him to fill them,
can do the dance of gratitude
over even the grave.
All thanks and praise to thee, O Christ!