Maybe you know this, but I learned I couldn’t get as deep with many friends, and I wasn’t sure I liked the shallow waters. However, I tended to be very willing to go deep with anyone I befriended and that was how I grew. I still am a bit weird, friendships meaning so much to me but holding them with open hands.
When my mom died from breast cancer five years ago, I remembered that when she became a mom she had asked God to make her loving, and it seemed to me that all the love she gave me was from him, and he now was saying he had many people to keep showing me love; it just wouldn’t come in the same package. So I praised him for his love. I learned whenever I missed her and felt it would never come again (whatever it was) to thank him for what was. He sent his love through both friends and strangers.
A week ago I felt a lump. The doctor wouldn’t be available until this Wednesday. So I entered a fog of unknowing.
I wondered who to tell, and what if it were no big deal, just a common cyst? I didn’t want to worry Ravinia, or my dad. But I did tell a few girlfriends. And had many talks with the Lord.
Do I have to go down this road?
It doesn’t necessarily mean death, at least not right away.
I really want this time with Ravinia.
But Lord, she’s been growing well, and I know you’d watch over her.
And then I lost my voice. It started with a bit of a sore throat, the way my colds usually start, but it didn’t progress past my vocal chords. Strange. Yet sometimes I felt really blah. Ravinia was sick and we took Monday as a sick day, me croaking out King of the Wind, chapter by chapter, tea sips all through.
I cried out to the Lord about feeling sick, and he gave me eyes to see beauty around me, the flowers (above but in sunlight) and friends reaching out.
Ann posted about when things are really tough, and today’s post about seeing Jesus in the messy nearly undid me.
One friend emailed.
One friend texted me.
One friend brought me soup.
One friend would bring Ravinia home from PE.
One friend offered to come along to mammo and ultrasound.
I dropped off Ravinia at PE and went to Starbucks for tea before meeting at the mammo place, and there was a friend from church sitting waiting for his son to pick him up. God, keeping me company, not letting me be alone. Never alone!
It’s a cyst. The doctor explained about cell walls being thin (good sign) or thick. Relief. Tell the praying friends!
A package from my mom’s sisters and brother was waiting for me when I got home. God, you are too good! Presents for Ravinia’s birthday in a week, and this:
We dug into the chocolates after dinner, cutting them up so we could all taste.
Oh, how he loves you and me!
I thought, he could have said it’s no big deal right away. But he wanted to have the time together, my thoughts about possible future sent to him, his love sent to me through flowers and friends, his love, his love. So lavish.
I am weak, I am half-ashamed at making a big deal of what turned out to be a normal cyst, and I am so very thankful for those who prayed, all those who in every way showed God’s love to me.
I am one of God’s spoiled children.